A rant about public transportation.

Ryan actually wrote this but this is how I felt today on the bus. I feel it's rather appropriate.

have a few things I need to get off my chest. For anyone who is looking for further proof that I am a terrible, terrible person, look no further. I have compiled a selection of things I feel that I should apologize for thinking due to my overt irritability on that public transportation system to Hell: the city bus. I am a regular and frequent user of our extensive public transportation system and I sometimes find myself, well, a little bit peeved at some of the people who also frequent it. Many of you who take the bus may recognize these people, as there are always several of them every time you board. Still, I feel that I should be a stronger person and strive to better myself. I want to cease being a pessimistic, sarcastic judgmental little shit and grow and blossom into a pessimistic, sarcastic, non-judgmental shit of and for the people. So without further ado, here is my list of apologies:
I am sorry for thinking that the bus driver looks like Cher. I am sure Cher has all her teeth.
I am also sorry to my eyeballs for putting them through that ordeal.
I am sorry for becoming irritated at the woman who was loudly talking to herself in gibberish. I should not have been mean to someone who is so clearly bat-shit insane.
I am sorry for thinking that there is no way that the 300 lb. man qualifies for the disabled and elderly reserved seating just because he can’t put down the Ring Dings.
I am sorry for thinking mean thoughts about the guy wearing pants ten sizes too big for him, listening to rap music and talking to his friend in ‘homey-speak’. I should have given mad props to his skillz, yo.
I am also sorry for wanting to beat the hell out of him with a hardened piece of elephant fecal matter. Such thoughts were disrespectful to his flava.
I am sorry for thinking that the goth guy with the dyed black hair and approximately 30 piercings would better qualify as a coat rack than an identifiable human being. Just because he wants to dress like a total jackass in a desperate attempt to be different, just like everyone else, doesn’t give me the right to label him as such.
I am sorry for thinking that the brunette standing in front of me has a fantastic ass. I am sure she is a wonderful human being with a beautiful and intelligent personality. She also has a fantastic ass.
I am sorry for thinking that the blonde is probably a total slut. Just because she has a skirt that ends somewhere around her bellybutton and is otherwise wearing less clothing than the average porn star in minus 30 degrees C temperatures could mean that she just values style over comfort and has deep and supportive friendships with the seventeen guys following her like remora eels. I should never jump to conclusions.
I am sorry for looking down upon 16 year old guy sharing his various sexual conquests in explicit detail with all of his buddies in a voice suitable for directing jetliners on the airport tarmac. Just because it is natural to assume that anyone so vocal about the adventures he has had actually means that he wouldn’t know what to do with a female if he were given directions and a map, doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t take his statements at face value. Did I also mention that he substituted the words ‘female’, ‘girl’ and ‘young lady’ for the collective terms ‘ho’ and ‘bitch’? Actually, y’know what? I’m not that sorry.
I am sorry for becoming uncomfortable when the hippie chick sat down next to me just because she smells like a combination of weed and fried chicken (vegetarian, my ass) and has more visible body hair than I do.
I am sorry for thinking that the bus driver learned to drive at Jim’s School of Braking Like A Whacko. Just because he loves the sound of passengers flying into the windshield at 40mph, doesn’t give me the right to judge.
I am sorry to the old lady who whacked me in the side with her cane and told me that the three inches of space between myself and the next person standing beside me was preventing the ten people standing outside from getting on the bus for referring to her inside my head as an “old bat”. I had not realized how rude it was for me to not be molesting that person beside me and take full responsibility for there being so many people on the bus.
I am sorry to that person that I ended up inadvertently molesting in the interest of three inches. Call me!
I am sorry for being irritated at the three 15 year old females at the back of the laughing and cackling and talking to each other in voices loud enough to shatter glass. I am also sorry for thinking that there aren’t enough child sweat shops in the country.
I am sorry for judging the 3 jocks with wool hats, somber facial expressions and puffy jackets as “Fred Durst clones” and thinking that their ‘goat-ees’ remind me of a playboy model’s pubic hair.
I am sorry for cataloguing everyone who got on the bus in a row as “Ugly. Ugly. Ok. Ugly. Hot. Ugly. Ugly. Probably not their original gender. Ugly. Needs a haircut.” Etc. I am also sorry for thinking that the reason the media is so obsessed with advertising beauty is that society has an excessive rarity of good looking people.
I am sorry for thinking that the guy who sat down on the inward-facing seats with his legs stretched across the aisle and refused to move them when people walked by should have them removed at the knees.
I am sorry for commenting inwardly on the possible parentage and ancestral background of the person who held up the bus for 5 minutes by interrogating the bus driver on what bus would take him home when there was a goddamned bus route map for the entire city 3 feet behind him.
I am sorry for wishing that the sun would emit a sudden and intense ion burst that would cause the walkman belonging to the guy who was playing ‘deth metal’ at full volume to detonate his head.
I am NOT nor WILL EVER BE SORRY for the woman who brings her crying, whining, screaming spawn onto the bus and decides to teach them a lesson by ignoring them so that they cry and cry and cry without interruption and everyone on the bus dies a little inside. I hate you. Do you think that will count against me?

Fat Tuesday....

Damn my non commitment to a diet! Arghh. Oh well. In the words of my idol Scarlett O'Hara "I won't think about that today. I will think about it tomorrow".
Had a long day at work and decided to unwind by having dinner with Laura-Line (who will from now on be referred to as Lo as her name is just to damn long). We went to Montana's for dinner since we always have a blast there.
In the usual tradition we ate and laughed and drew on the paper table cloths. Apparently not everyone knows about Strongbad and Trogdor so we got some funny looks from the rather cute waiter. I SAID CONSUMMATE V'S! Also note that not everyone sees the humour we get out of making fun of our mothers butts. (Lo, your mothers butt smells like cat food!) I tried to get Lo to pick up the waiter but she lacks the conviction of becoming my pupil in the ways of picking up strapping young strangers.
It's good to hang out with your sisters once and awhile.
Hopefully I get to talk to Ryan tonight. He usually calls after lights out and I can barely hear him. Once and awhile I hear someone shouting "Oh Billy!" in the backround which makes me wonder if he's in the army or on a naval ship somewhere.


PS A special note to the family and friends of our recent casualties. You're in my prayers.
Support the troops (even if the mission is questionable)! Love you Panda!

My first blog...

Although I usually blog through My MSN space I figured since half the family crew was on this space I went here too.
I saw Ryan yesterday for an hour. The first time in three weeks. He had a trip down to the National War Museum so I just happened to be at the same place at the same time. It was wierd. We had to be all covert and such because his platoon leader was apparently a dick and he didn't want to be caught by his CO. No smooches for me. Apparently you can't smooch in uniform. That's stupid rule! He looked really skinny and like he had be beaten. Apparently he falls off the obstacle course a lot.
He's hopefully getting leave off base on Friday night so I will be heading up to Montreal for the night. Finally some alone time. This military wife thing isn't easy.
The new job is nice. The money is certainly welcomed. It's nice to have my own office. Whee! Once I get my business cards I will be sending them around with full bragging rights.
Well off to Aquafit..I promised Ryan a new svelte wife by December..(yeah right)